You know, when you are digging a hole and the dirt is still kind of wet? When you turn the shovel over and the dirt falls to the ground? That deep heavy, THUD?
I have a lot going on in my life right now. I feels as if everyone and everything in this world is standing in line with their own shovel of semi wet dirt, just waiting their turn to dump it on me.
Do they still use lead bibs at dentists’ offices? It feels like I am wearing a suit made of them.
I am walking around with the weight of everything baring down on me.
Brian, who just a few days ago was telling me that yes, he does want to marry me, who Wednesday night said “I love You” and then decided Thursday night “I’m done.” He just walked away, shut the door and left me standing there lost and confused and crushed. WTF?!
The girls’ dad is very sick and that is stressful enough, now he’s breaking their hearts over and over again without a care in the world as to what he is doing to them. And I am, once again, helpless to find reason or logic or answers.
The girls and I watched Twister the other night, and here we are, standing in the trail of destruction left by our own personal tornadoes. Left here to find a way to put pieces together, to make a landscape of our lives that we will somehow have to learn to live with.
I asked the universe, Really, can it get much worse? And the universe laughed and said Yes.
Stop and smell the roses, they say. Look for the silver lining. Everything happens for a reason. Oh yeah!?! If you believe that YOU find the god damned reason, because right now the only reason I can think of is the universe wants to use me for it’s personal toilet. You go find the silver lining. You go fucking smell the roses.
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice. This is not testing my strength, this is the jail final exam. Did you learn anything while you were in jail, specifically how to commit the perfect crime?
The answer is no.
I know, in my head, I am not powerless here. I know that I have to get up each day, crawl out of bed and wait for that elephant sitting on my chest to move. I have to take a little bit to tell myself I haven’t dreamed any of this. It really is happening. I have to sit with it, let the tears come, work my way to this new reality. And then go on. Even though it would be so much easier not to.
I feel so silly feeling like this, when there are others in my life who have truly lost someone they love. I just got dumped (on). Things, painful things, have happened to us but life goes on. And yet,
Once I get through the tears and the emptiness, and the weight of it all, I get to the anger, the rage. I want to throw things, break things, yell and scream things. I want to hurt them like they have hurt us. I want them to know this horrible empty ache, this total utter betrayal, the shock the disbelief, the rage.
Oh god the rage.
And then, I want to beg, I want to lay down and cry and beg, please, I’ll do anything, I’ll be anyone, whatever it takes, whatever you want, just say it I’ll do it, I’ll be it, I’ll get it. Just take it all back. Just tell me it was a joke, you didn’t mean it.
They won’t. They can’t. Because it isn’t a joke. They did mean it. Every single horrible painful destroying rip our hearts out word.
Life goes on. Never the same, profoundly different. I know there will come a day when I will get up, and the elephant won’t be as big, or weigh as much. I know there will come a day when the very thought of him, and the plans we had won’t punch me in the gut and take my breath. I know there will come a day when the girls set aside all the hurt and tears and rage at the brute indifference of their father, because he is ultimately more important that his actions.
But today is not that day.
We will learn to navigate this new landscape, we will find ways to get through. Because the universe knows what I am not so sure of right now, we are strong enough.